I feel such a strong resistance to writing these days. It is incredible. I feel incredibly activated, alive and present and writing just doesn't flow from this space. Perhaps being so engaged with my physical awareness and gaining so many insights through direct experience make me demotivated to write. Not sure, I do have a lot of thoughts flowing around, they clearly carry signals in them. The clarity of my thinking increased since I started dancing, resting in the flow of movement does magic. I also feel a slight resistance to sense make and dig into the word with words. Recently I feel a stronger pull to nebulous forms of expression. Movement is obviously coming out of me almost nonstop, I can't stop dancing basically and my tactile perception is in its full glory. Writing brings me to a particular state I feel, which is more patterned than nebulous. For me text is not that much a form of free expression or poetry, I use it to wrestle with thoughts and weave carpets of insights, organising my findings into closed pockets of meaning and clarity. I miss the nebulosity of expression I think, some free-flowing meaningless pure expression of a desire to share what I see or feel. I feel a desire to tickle with unclarity and more lose interpretation.
I am going to give in to that desire of mine and not push things. I like myself doing that, to be honest, it feels like a change. In the past, I might cling to continuity and commitment but now I don't feel such an urge and I don't feel guilt around it. Sometimes I would write because I have to which is silly because probably I am only polluting your minds with my noisy stream of consciousness, because of the fact I should stick with the commitment. I think commitment can be great at some point and for some time but it is so easy to forget what am I actually doing when operations and procedures are in place. It is kind of unfortunate that I am pretty good at following the rules, probably that is the source of my desire to disobey them. I am at the point now where I am confident enough to decide not to do my best and see what is that thing I was so afraid of. I have some kind of ephemeral mechanism of self-control which pushes me towards the thought: that if I am happy, I am not doing enough. I do feel happy now and kind of enjoying, and don't really want to look for pain or stay with resistance. I am curious about what will happen if I use other pointers to navigate my life. I also catch a thought, that I think I know what will happen if I don't do my best, I am guessing nothing. I will still be pretty alive and fruitful. But let's see. At the moment I will give in to the nebulous flow. I am back to posting on Instagram, exploring what my past year's internal findings have brought me.
I learned a lot through creating patterns, creating ornaments of thoughts. for example, I have something to protect and bring forwards, this something is innocence. getting better at honesty, and practising intensity fearlessly and passionately helped me to get a clear flavour of the innocence I carry and why it is worth fighting for.
So here I am, playful and energized, not looking for meaning but trusting the meaninglessness and innocent engagement with aliveness to become what it wants to become. I will probably pop up here once in a while but it won't be my main priority. Think I'll focus on shorter texts, visuals and audibles and direct encounters. Thank you for holding this space for me. I am grateful for all the discoveries you helped me to make. Let me know if I can do anything for you as well. ❤️