First fruits.
Yesterday I had the first stop of my summer expanding activities. Deep inner work where I was immersed into the wildness of my subconsciouses. It was pretty remarkable and I am still processing Lots of stuff came up and I won't share lots of details, these things are gentle to share especially since there is lots of uncertainty about what it all means and mostly it unfolds on the level f experience which is difficult to formulate. Formulating something means giving it a form which I don't want to do in writing.
However, a few things are nicely shareable, they are clear and perhaps handy for others. Partly my inquiry was unfolding around unfixing some of the energies which I feel don't flow well. By energy, I mean simply fluctuations in my mood, some signs of sadness and unsatisfactoriness. Recently it feels like I lost connection with my truth and deviating. I decided to investigate this state and try to see if I can straighten up a little and walk confidently again. Let's say I was looking for things that hold me back. Three major drawbacks came to the surface. Body, judgement and compulsions.
Body first. I think I don't dare to fully acknowledge to myself how important the look of my body is. I think it is silly to see my value through the prism of my body. But it is true, assign a lot of importance to it and it creates priorities which eat up my mind space. Clearly, I don't think that it is a problem to take care of the body but in my case, I reject to admit that I care about it which leads me to self-deception and trickster behaviours. I simply want some honesty with myself about it and my lack of judgment. I feel better emotionally and physically when I look good and can move freely. It has been a thing for me since I was a kid. I was quite chubby and my weight was subject to observation and commentary. I developed a pattern which is not useful and I'd like to break that loop of lies I was telling myself and admit that it is important to me. But other things are also important, when I have all the cards on the table, I can decide what to prioritize, otherwise, I am not the one who decides which is not what I want. Non-willingness to admit the truth of my relationship with the body results in a waste of energy on the self-deception maintenance and creates internal tension. That was the number one drawback. Being a hostage of my own body maintenance without full honesty prevents me from doing things and because I m not open about it, I am powerless to interfere.
Judgements next. I noticed how doubt and judgement obstruct my speed. It has to do with self-trust and the ability to discern. When I am up to something and judgement comes in, I flinch and reconsider. I didn't experience it before that much, Let's say 3 years ago I was much more reckless, but now especially when I got introduced to rationality, the amount of doubt increased. This is great because knowing the truth liberates and rationality is a stable tool to inquire. But I do notice that because of this, doubt freezes me and I am hesitant to move forward. I'd like to regain some recklessness and fearlessness without losing the doubt. Judgement comes with doubt, in my opinion, they are related. And I feel it strongly both internally and externally.
Last but not least, compulsion. That is another big pattern which seems to be tone setting in many domains. I deal with various situations in life by reaching for the help of compulsive behaviours. Either it is obsessive love or food nibbles, or fixating on details. All of it in my case has the same mechanism. I am procrastination, distracting, running away for aliveness or gaining control over reality. Compulsion is a great way to practice control, an illusion of control because compulsion is owning me not I own it. I notice a lot of such behaviour and it is very clear to me that they hold me back. I am pinning myself down to an activity immobilizing and disabling change. I find comfort in it because it is clear, that uncertainty is reduced to zero, I know exactly what the next thing will be.
I need to be honest about all of these obstacles, and see them for what they are. If my body is a priority for me to feel confident, so be it. I don't need to feel guilty about this desire. If doubt or judgement is useful I can decide to listen but it doesn't stop me from the action. Its compulsion gives me stability and comfort I want to be able to use it without hiding. All of these habits are not evil in their essence, what makes it tricky is that I am not honest about them and they start to live their own secret life causing pretence and tension. I want to be able to choose each of them and own them to their bits.