Gratitude in conflict.
Yesterday night was a special evening. It was the last evening before my parents are going back to Ukraine. They spent about two months here and it has been an invaluable time. I feel a conflicting sense of gratitude towards the events. In some sense I let them go being my parents and met them as human beings. There was a moment when they were still back in Ukraine when I didn't have a connection with them for a few days, I knew they were alright, following detailed new reports about their city. I knew that electricity was cut off and the mobile network wasn't always available. But during that day I realised that my parents have their experience own experiences, their own life in parallel with mine.
I went through the intense experience, realising my existential aloneness. A place where I felt unconditionally loved, where I didn't feel any doubt no matter what I say or do, no matter how I look. No doubt. I don't know any other setting where I would experience that wholesome immersive acceptance. I take it for granted. I do. I never thought about the uniqueness of the space my parents hold for me. I never said thank you parents for this beautiful space of no doubt where I can rest in my being. I needed a war to notice. It sounds terribly wrong in my head, I feel a wave of anxiety coming from the anticipation of judgement. There is a paradox in me manifesting in rightness and wrongness of the thoughts I am having.
I feel the smallness and primitiveness of my world while being grateful for the circumstances that allowed me to see the unconditional that was always there. I told them about my experience, I felt awkward. I couldn’t express the depth of the insight that I had and my meta-gratitude. Noticing the limits of language and my reliance on it.
While they were here, I rediscovered our connection and I feel grateful. I also rediscovered my younger version whose innocence and curiosity I must protect. The war shifted values and reshuffled life organizing principles. The order of things was brutally disrupted. I welcome these changes with innocent curiosity while judging and rejecting the causes with my fighter spirit.