I am alright.
I arrived at this wonderful feeling yesterday, that I am alright. I don’t need to fix myself, I am actually all right. There is nothing wrong with me, it is, whatever it is, is not my fault, I am alright. It is weird to admit and perhaps sounds off but believe me it feels profound.
I am a perfectly functioning individual, generally happy, positive and lively, and yet I have a feeling that there is something wrong with me almost permanently. It is difficult to explain what that is as it doesn't have a specific focus, just an existential feeling of wrongness. On daily basis, it would manifest as doubt and indecisiveness resulting in procrastination and postponement. Mostly in close relationships with people, not that much in my professional practice. Which I think also made it difficult to position, on the outer shell I am alright but inside not so much. Thus feeling of alienation and existential loneliness without a chance to tackle it, because the source of this wrongness is undefined.
In the last few days, I a having this feeling that something is lifted up from me. An unidentified heaviness coming from some deep place of shame became lighter. And it is not just a strategy, which I would use and rationalize something to place my experience, it feels deep and fundamental. Something like the shame I was carrying is not there anymore, or at least it is not that pressing anymore. It is not hiding, it feels like I can find its source and maybe even I don't care about the source anymore but yet I have a sense of knowing where it started.
I don’t have to be ashamed of myself without a reason, it seems I know what caused it in the first place and I know that it is not my fault. I go back to my childhood memories and vaguely remember some incident which had happened when I was eleven-twelve. I remember I did something bad and I lied to my parents about it. I felt ashamed and scared to tell them what I did, I don’t know why I did what I did, I am guessing I had no idea what I was doing, I can’t imagine a kid has a full understanding of such actions. I lived through an intensity which I couldn't share, didn't know how to and didn’t understand my own emotions. This intensity I think, was shame and guilt. I am not sure if that particular event in my childhood was the cause of the unexplainable feeling of shame that I experience as an adult but I think there might be something to it. In the end, not much changed since I was a kid, it is. still not my fault. I didn't do anything wrong back then and I am not doing anything wrong now. I was carrying this suspicion towards myself, doubting my actions, and not trusting them. I felt shame without having any idea where it is coming from. I think it isn't something special about me, I shared this feeling with some friends and some feel very similar. No pointed reason for feeling unworthy, simply an irrational deep sense of not deserving. Heavy stuff isn't it?
I am not sure if this story about my childhood memory is true and I don't know if it is complete. I also don't know what lead me to such behaviour, or why did I react that way. I don't think this will ever become certain but knowing that no matter what I did it wasn't my fault, I am an innocent kid who is trying to cope with life the best way she can, is an uplifting thought. I'll hold onto this feeling and keep it close. It feels wonderful.