Predictable unpredictability.
Today I read some passages from “Human condition” by Hannah Ardent. These days I am exploring the notion of trust and she famously said that the human condition is that we all must act without knowing the consequences of our actions. Her statement resonates with me greatly, it resonates in my paradox compartment. There is a sense of responsibility in me to act in the right way, to make good choices. At the same time thinking about consequences limits my actions. When I think about consequences I start to doubt and wiggle. To be fully honest I rarely think about the consequences, it is somewhat difficult to admit as the norm is to do the opposite. Acting and not thinking is considered reckless and irresponsible.
It is so strange to me that this is the case, it maps to a lack of fundamental trust between people. In my opinion, consequences have a regulatory function. It is a moment when I must stop my impulsive desire to do something and think whether it is worth it. I sense a deep mistrust in my impulsive desire. Why would that need to be regulated, am I designed to be guarded and kept an eye on? I want to reject this framing and act without thinking about the consequences. I want to trust myself fully without a need for external regulators. It sounds utopic and it makes me sad that this is the case. For me, it all boils down to the values and mechanisms of decision-making. Imagine a situation where all my actions are based on values that everyone agrees upon. And these values are deeply inscribed in me, I embody my principles and have a healthy relationship with them. In that case, I don't need to think about the consequences. Whatever I do it comes from a good place and leads to good consequences.
That is the level of trust I am looking for.
Thinking about consequences includes a certain degree of predictability. And predictability also can affect autonomy. The more predictable I am the less autonomy I have because then the number of choices I can make shrinks. The higher predictability the higher the trust though but that lowers the autonomy. Acting as an auto-poetic body is a beautiful creative act of life itself. So I am in a bit of a bind here, predictability increases trust but lower autonomy, and higher autonomy needs deep trust. It is clear to me that predictability and autonomy don't go together well, but were that the trust comes from? For me, predictability seems particularly important in relationships with others. Am I fulfilling the expectations? Am I reliable? Can others trust me? Can I prove my loyalty and commitment by showing continuity? These questions carry so much want and grippiness.
What if I drop predictability and be predictably unpredictable. Stay true to my values and act upon them while maintaining my ability to move unpredictably and expand aliveness without supervision. Perhaps wishful thinking but I'll make an effort and pay attention to this mode of being. Trusting myself deeply without a doubt. Writing this results in a deep smile on my face and a "Sure, go for it!" reaction from my cynical self. But what if I try? Maybe I am already a good person and there is no danger in my actions.