Twists and bends.
Let me share an insight that now as I thought it through seems very obvious but it wasn't the case before. First let me briefly paint a background, and a context, for the upcoming exploration. Life is a dance between safety and risk-taking, excitement and calm. When there is too much calm, we get bored and look for challenges. When it is too risky we withdraw to a safe place. When things are getting very very risky, we grab whatever is available around to feel safe. That is one of the reasons why people who are going through break-ups or traumatic experiences are so susceptible and often being misused. They are looking for safety so desperately that simply another human, any human next to them is already a comforting enough situation to soothe the pain and feel safe at some level. When there is too much comfort it leads to recklessness and carelessness which can allow for expansion but also rupture. But assuming strength, rupture is not an issue and facilitated recovery even if it was a larger rapture.
A friend shared an honest thing with me recently. That they were seeing me as a victim, unable to deal with some specific part of my life, so they were helping me by making things easier. So basically thinking I can’t manage on my own and I need help. This is true, I am indeed disinterested in becoming better in that area so I was accepting their help. This sharing inspired a chain of thoughts that seems true and somewhat too obvious, but I never thought of it this way. What I arrived at was the following, perhaps seeing the other as a victim, increases the chances of being needed. We decide to see others as victims or choose their vulnerable sides to form a character around them to feed our insecurities. A person who is weak will likely respond positively and accept safety without picking too much. Thus chances of success and connection in reward are higher. And even if it is not true, and the other person is perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, we might create a story of them being weak to give ourselves permission to be around them and be useful.
It is quite deep in my opinion. Do you know how those moments when people are becoming nervous in relationships when one person is confident and happy? They create tensions and “punish” their partners for their well-being? Which might be also out of insecurity, creating conflict and undermining safety, constructing vulnerability to soothe and be needed again. If there is truth to this then I am on to highly manipulative behaviour. It requires strength and confidence to be with a strong person. Otherwise, there is always a fear to be left behind. And creating drama is cheap and effective. We are responsible for our own strength otherwise we might be making choices based on seeking the first available safety.
As a side tangent to this inquiry, I had to think about faking orgasms being a manifestation of similar behaviour. Making things easier for the other but actually being insecure and increasing own chances to stick around. But also possibly creating a situation where the other can be blamed in the future for not satisfying your needs. It is so complex, the web of manic manipulations of our minds. It feels like an autonomous entity living a parallel life. And how can I be sure that this twist I am proposing here is true?