Anger.
Today I would like to share where I am at the moment. Quite spontaneously I decided to join a four days circling retreat. Today is the second day of the program. So basically the program is about 15 people are gather in on space without having an agenda of any kind, besides practicing their authenticity. And by authenticity here I mean not only something that is already settled but in is work in progress. People are actively engaging in the quest for who they are, trying to create understanding about themselves and explore full potential. It is a safe space to tap into something that intuitively feels right, experiment with it and see if it belongs. It is quite an intense experience as you can imagine. When all constrains are down that what is emerging can be unsettling. The setting and the intensity of the inquiry allows for various things to come up. Emotions that come up out of nowhere willing to come out. That what has happened to me as well. I’d like to share this rather unexpected emotional outburst that I had.
First I’d like to give some context which will help to realise the significance of the experience. I rarely get angry. I have a story that tell myself about myself, that I am conflict avoidant, meaning that when there is a conflict I shut down. I free completely and because of stress can’t stay within the argument and just freeze. I only can remember a few times then I experienced profound deep anger. That what has happened today. Without going into details, I would like to describe the experience and my felt sense in that moment.
Strong burning sensation starting from in my upper chest, going up, blocking my throat and moving to my head. It feels like a big red flower unfolding inside my chest. Size bigger than the ribcage can contain. It pushes against my bones from the inside, going into the throat, blocking me, preventing from talking. From my throat there is another flower going fight into my head and does the same magic. Ruthlessly opens inside of my scull, taking all the space in the frontal part of my head. I feel the pressure and the heat that coms with the force of its growth. Once the flower is open, myriad of green sticky lianas rushing out of the center, entering my arms and feet, numbing my fingers, obstructing the movements of my body. When you think it stopped growing, yet another layer of petals opens up and it continues till the moment I need to scream. And I did. I left the room I was in and rushed to the forest, I couldn’t withhold my anger. I couldn’t believe what was going out of me. This immense energy came out. As I didn't experience it before, the novelty of the experience brought me joy of curiosity. I ended up being torn between anger and enjoyment, it was unusual and powerful.
I am not sure yet what this experience will bring me, I expect I will be able to access this emotion, I feel a lot of potential of being able to be with it, there is a lot of wisdom in it I feel. Deep discomfort and rejection of the experience are fascinating and carry lots of insight into once true nature.