Continuity block.

Today again I had an encounter with natural pull towards continuity. I met someone I didn’t see for a long time and there was a surprisement towards the way I looked. Obviously a small thing, just a casually dropped line which highlighted what I was talking about it earlier this week. The way people deal with change can be very different, some are open to what ever comes and don’t even make the change as something remarkable, and for some noticing and sharing that is an important part of building a connection.

I am being sensitive to such noticings, for me it is related to the labelling. When someone is surprised by the change I made, in a way that feels closed, meaning that I feel the pull towards “I didn’t expect that from you, I thought you don’t like red” I get irritated. There is a quality to reputation that at some point starts to work against my ability to move freely. It was also one of the reasons I decided to bring io in to the picture. Talking of which, name change, really has been a great decision and io has grew on me and keeps on growing. More people use it alongside Ola. I like the fact that people can decide which one they prefer, I don’t feel particular pull towards any of them, they both have their life to live and I am accommodating. Changing name, disrupted y continuity in a very direct way, perhaps it is quite brutal and radical way to cut some things off, but it just points out to my overall sensitivity. Possibly by reconnecting stronger with my own change and freedom I will lose the need to respond to the external desire of continuity and will be free of it. But for now it is a big part of my reaction to the world. I guess thats my weakness, when the phrase “I thought you are..” comes in, I cripple.

I was wondering about how I take in change, was trying to examine and recall a situation when I witness a change in someone, what do I do? It depends a lot on the person, that’s what I noticed. Which is also quite a confronting observation. I sometimes make a comment that starts with ”I thought..” and most of the times to be fully honest, my comment is tinted with some sort of unclean feeling. Probably it is jealousy of some sort. It is like I am tying to bring a person back where she wanted to get out from. I am exaggerating for the sake of the example, but I feel there is truth in it. Bringing someone into continuity is like a punishment for aliveness. Aliveness is movement and change, continuity is guarantee, reliability and stability. If feels like desiring continuity from people we are more thinking about our own comfort rather than exploration of the other. When we witness change we might be confronted with own lack of aliveness, start comparing and feel pressure. And when that happens, we punish with a cocky comment that questions the trustworthiness of our change. I think that lack of trustworthiness is another aspect that irritates me, I feel distrust in my decision and feel I am expected to justify it. I had it stronger in the past, now it is leaving me. The stronger I feel the less dependencies there are from external opinion. Feels wonderful. But really step by step I am discovering that I always was free. There is nothing that ever constrained me, so there is nothing to be liberated from. Understanding comes slowly though, steadily but slowly.