Stabilizing spaciousness.
Spaciousness is on my mind. Better to say spaciousness is in my whole being. I feel wonderfully elevated and expanding in all directions. I want to understand what are the conditions that allow me to feel such openness. It is definitely not a default, unfortunately. More often I find myself in narrowness, self-concerned, doubting, and planning ahead. Various manifestations of narrowness penetrate my daily experience. Focus or attention is narrowing activity a priori. And those seem to be useful to enable my functioning in society. Without narrowness, action would not be possible. I am thinking perhaps passion is a good form of narrowness and my aspiration toward spacious passion makes sense on many levels.
Generally, narrowness isn't desirable though, it is alienating and creates hostility and fearfulness. The narrowness I am talking about feels insecure and wants to reject. I was talking to a friend today, whom I normally appreciate greatly, that from the place of spaciousness I can appreciate them even more. It feels almost irresponsible and dishonest to be with anyone from another place. Somebody is there for me and due to my narrowness, I can't appreciate them fully. What a waste of somebody's effort. I wonder if it is possible to have spaciousness as a default? Difficult to imagine. Maybe it is possible to gradually gain an ability to recognize and sieve those moments and save the other my own presence for a narrow space. Something like: “Sorry honey I am narrow, feels unfair to take your kindness, I won’t appreciate it fully, talk tomorrow. Bye!”. Unfortunately when I am narrow such openness is unavailable, which is a shame. Noticing my own narrowness is very difficult otherwise I'd flip into spaciousness. There is a bitter-sweet comfort in narrowness it is a familiar ad cosy space. Spaciousness is vast and unpredictable it requires strength and power to meet whatever comes. It is a brave stance to have, free of fear and doubt. I love these moments when I can tune into my spaciousness, I strive for it. Today is one of those days as I mentioned, I thought maybe if I understand what surrounds me today I can get a better grip on the conditions I need to feel this way. Let's see. I definitely have slack today, which is already a natural prerequisite of spaciousness. I did some work and went to the academy to have a last glimpse of the work of my students before the final exam which will happen tomorrow. I feel very proud of them which definitely adds to the spaciousness. I feel connected to their processes and feel I contributed to what I see. Feels wonderful. What else, I talked to my parents and I feel open and honest with them, recently I had a nice moment where I shared something puzzling with them regarding the past, it felt great, to be honest, and this relaxness while being with them is expanding.
Generally, honesty is more available recently, I spend a day yesterday revisiting my values and cleaning up some mess of confusion accumulated over the past few months. It was a journey, which I'll share in the upcoming days. So I feel my axiological structure is neatly in order. I made new acquaintances recently and feel I am opening up to people, I get attention, acknowledgement and appreciation without me forcing anything or trying to be something. Which is a new kind of space. I feel fresh and solid, ready to play with other humans. The newness of connection comes with intrigue, mystery and sparks of passionate excitement. Which I am taking in and not fearing intimacy as I used to do. And there are humans to play with, which is great. I feel the care and clear realness of other humans around me. I feel in my element, joyful, active, playful, weird and fearless.
There is clearly a sense of choice available to me, I don't feel trapped in a specific map, paradigm or thought. I have a clear sense that a map is not a territory, and feeling into this separation feels fantastic.
What do I have so far which enables my spaciousness? Slack, choice, acknowledgement, attention, family, friends, attention, accomplishment, recognition, excitement, play, relaxness, care, love and being in a moment. Something like that should be enough. Oh and I look great, but perhaps it is a side effect of spaciousness, there is nothing to fix or improve. Now comes the challenge of stabilising these and perhaps if conditions are right they will hold the passion and drive my actions introducing useful narrowness that can move energies within spaciousness.