Two sides of a coin.
Past weekend I was staying in Berlin and I found it extremely difficult to focus on anything. i felt restlessness, alertness and out-of-placeness. since i arrived i was distracting myself from being here, looking forward to leave. i felt uncomfortable with myself to an extreme degree. Maybe things come up and I think it points at something but i don’t know yet what that is but the feeling is pressing. In tantra they talk about energies that are constantly playing in our bodies and they connect them to various elements, forget about the symbolism around elements, to me they are useful to create groups i don’t relate or understand their symbolism. So when a particular element is disrupted, specific emotion is manifesting. For example disruption in fire element i feels like loneliness and isolation, behavioral response to it is clinging to comforts. Tantra is about taking these energies and transforming them into something else which is more desirable.
Energy is simply energy, stories and labels is what makes it get their flavor. Loneliness can be transformed into compassion. Once it is compassion, the energy can remain but it brings goodness into the world instead of corroding the inner world. Another example would be distorted element of air feels as anxiety, vulnerability and paranoia which manifests as excessive analysis but the skillful management of this energy can bring confidence. In total there are five distortions, representing elements and each corespondents with an emotion and potential transformation. I think it is wise to hold it lightly, just as any other map to navigate an experience, but I see usefulness in it. I like the idea that energy is just energy, I’ve been thinking about it already when i was talking about inner power plant which simply produces energy without packaging and when it is out, it gets a label and becomes something.
Excitement and anxiety in my experience, before they get a label, are the same energy. The problem arises when a concept gets attached to the sensation. I am learning to stay with pre-conceptual experience and practice so called trek cho meditation. Not exactly a meditation, but an addition to my usual open awareness sitting. Trek cho means something like cutting through a bundel, staring at a sensation how it is without judgement. I think of it as looking at the arrangement of mikado sticks after they are thrown on the table. Each combination is unique and precious and can lead to different strategies in the future. i simply observe remaining uninvolved not reacting to the pulls towards attaching a concept.
Concepts and stories are so transient and unstable but have so much power. When i separate the sensation from judgement of what this sensation means, I manage to keep the lightness and let go easier. This a very simple practice, when a sensation arises, try to stare at it, gaze into the sensation, remain uninvolved and see what will happen.