Favourite strategies.
I am in the middle of a course on non-violent communication (NVC) at the moment. And during one of the last sessions, something interesting came up which makes sense to revisit in the context of a recent inquiry about commitment. In a few words about the method, NVC is proposing. At the base of every action, emotion or feeling these are needs each individual has. These needs are pure and beautiful, being able to find your needs, verbalize them in an unthreatening loving and caring way and act from them is what allows our personality to strive and prosper. First, you observe the situation, experience it on the level of feelings, identify needs and formulate requests which will help the other to help you with the need. When communication is based on needs and honest expression of them, nothing can go wrong because they are pure and undemanding. An example would be, that one of my needs is a need for occasional solitude. When I reject someone's invitation I can phrase it in a way that person doesn't feel it is personal but by not becoming angry with my decision to stay home, they support my autonomy. Assuming people care for me, they will be happy to support my need to be alone. If my need is met, I am a happy person and a better friend, plus I show myself fully without adjusting myself to a social standard of interpersonal interaction. So as a bonus I feel seen and held and the other feels empowered and trusted. They also distinguish between strategies and needs. Strategies are concrete and personal manifestations in the world which are meant to take care of the needs. And needs are more abstract and universal. That s in a nutshell what NVC is teaching. Being more honest and connected to your needs allows them to be heard and held.
A few weeks ago during one of the sessions, the teacher was talking about saying relationships being strategies. Commitments are strategies, girlfriend/boyfriend is a strategy to meet your needs. They are great and complex strategies. And they can change if they don't work anymore. And acknowledging the truth of it allows for more care about your favourite strategy if you don’t want to lose it. First, when I heard it, my immediate reaction was a rejection of such framing. I saw almost a utilitarian approach to a relationship. But when I gave it a minute or two, it made sense/ It also made me think of commitment and the question of what are we committing to when we commit to a relationship. It seems to me that the only commitment that makes sense in full honesty is a commitment to own needs and using it as a ground to walk on. This still feels off to me, it goes against how I thought things should be. I must sacrifice my needs and fulfil my duties or make others happy to avoid the pain of rejection and real intimacy. Remark on the side, I always failed at it even when I tried my best, eventually, I cant manage and leave. I like to investigate this framing, especially since it kind of leaves me with a ball in my hands. Which feels interesting and refreshing. And. maybe I've been doing it already unknowingly. Let's see what bringing in some awareness will do.